By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Holly_McClenahan]Holly McClenahan
You may understand an absent dad is one who has died or left the family due to divorce or inability to maintain a relationship with the mother and is rarely, if ever, participating in the child's life. A perceived absent dad is a dad that doesn't feel available to the child emotionally, physically or spiritually. The perceived absent dad is the one this article will focus on. Many dads would never think of abandoning their children and just don't realize by not being present to their child they are abandoning them.
Children with an absent dad can grow up with the same emotional and behavioral problems as children with a perceived absent dad. Low self esteem can affect them for their entire life and this can undermine their ability to live at their highest level of achievement. They develop poor decision making skills and put themselves in dangerous situations such as being abused, dropping out of school or doing drugs. Children learn what they live and a dad's influence can never be underestimated.
A dad who works all day, comes home and absorbs himself in activities that are all about himself can feel like, to a child, that he is not available. So can a dad that goes out after work for adult activities and doesn't even see their child before they go to bed. Even a dad who is doing things to better the family like mowing the yard, making home repairs, cooking, looking up vacation spots on the internet or working on a project for work can create a atmosphere of "don't bother daddy, he's busy".
To the child this means there is no time for me. The child can feel anger, sorrow, fear or anxiety. The stories in their head start: "I am not important, I don't matter, I am bad, I don't belong, I am a burden, I am not enough, I am a screw-up, I am not loved, I am invisible, I don't deserve, I am unworthy, I am not wanted, I am not special." These become the child's limiting beliefs and these beliefs will stay with them as they grow. Even a minor non-traumatic event can form a negative file that will be added to over the years. As you can see, all these beliefs create low self esteem and this type of child becomes an adult who cannot reach their potential.
No amount verbalizing and trying to convince your child that you love and care about them will work to change their negative thoughts and beliefs of themselves. You have to take action. You have to model the kind of person you would like them to be. It is up to you to meet the needs of the child that are deeper than food, water and a roof over their head. The deeper needs are love bonding and closeness, nurturing, security and trust, protection from harm, positive touch, positive communication, expression of feelings and thoughts, appreciation, joyful play, validation and acknowledgment, and positive separation. Let's look at how you can meet your child's needs and be the best dad ever to that beautiful child of yours.
First, look into your child's eyes. A child needs to be truly seen. They are feeling creatures and are in tune with everyone and everything around them. If you look into their eyes while speaking or doing activities with them you learn to see how they are feeling or how they are experiencing what is happening right now. It takes patience, commitment and practice. It is a simple and profound action that will help to meet the child's need for love bonding, nurturing, validation and trust.
Take time every day to give your child undivided attention. It's not the amount of time that is so important, it is the quality of the time. I come from a family with five children close in age and we were usually all doing something as a family. I remember, as a child, what an exciting feeling it was for my dad to take me somewhere with him without my brothers or sister. It didn't matter if it was just to the post office or a walk in the woods or to sit in his lap while he played the harmonica for me. I felt special. I felt acknowledged. I felt loved. I felt safe.
Speak positive and stop criticizing! There was a study done that showed parents use approximately eighteen negative statements for every positive one and these are usually directed towards their child. So, let's say you said ten positive statement to your child, this means you may have said around 180 negative statements. Now double or triple those numbers. Critical communication fuels a child's self criticism and creates anxiousness. When they are older, and you are no longer around to criticize and berate them, they will have their inner critic take over where you left off. No wonder depression and low self esteem is rampant. How about keeping track of your communications for one week? Be curious about how positive or negative your speech is. By speaking more lovingly you meet your child's need for positive communication and they are more inclined to come to you if they have a problem
Incorporate loving touch every day. Hug them often. Give a back rub before bed. Rub lotion on their arms and legs. Have them sit in your lap while you read a story or let them read a story to you. An important awareness here is that young children scare easily and they are masters at reading your facial expressions and tone of voice. If you do this because you think you have to or are just fulfilling an expected task, they will know. They possibly, and probably, will not be able to verbalize how this makes them feel. They will begin to act out. Boys may get angry and be aggressive with hitting and teasing others. Girls may turn to other men or boys to get attention leading to early promiscuous behavior. Loving touch from a dad meets the child's needs of positive touch, nurturing and trust.
Do whatever it takes to bubble up laughter between the two of you. Take your child to a park and play with them. Sing silly songs with him. Dance to the music she likes. Help her make up silly names for her stuffed animals. Look for opportunities to make your child smile and see the sparkle in their eyes. Expressions of joy and joyful play create a feeling of closeness with you. A child will feel lovable, loved, validated and appreciated for their uniqueness. If Dad thinks I'm great then I must be great!
Do the best you can and always be yourself. Let your child know who you are. We make mistakes as a parent, all parents do, just do your best. It will be enough even if you make small changes. Over time the small changes will add up and one day you will recognize how amazingly close you are with your child and you will see the gifts your child gave you. You are more loving, more compassionate, more patient, more fulfilled, more forgiving, more tolerant and more you.
It is by making a choice and taking deliberate action to connect with your child you will create a loving and lasting relationship. The child will not be afraid to come to you when they are afraid. They will trust you and trust that they are loved. They will sleep better and make positive friendships. They will be happy with who they are. They will be confident as they become adults. Most of all, they will know they have the best dad in the whole world. You are not a perceived absent dad, you are one of the most positive influential presences in their life.
Holly McClenahan, Trauma Resolution Specialist, is passionate about raising the self esteem in America. You can show your support by visiting [http://www.GetYourGeniusOn.com]http://www.GetYourGeniusOn.com. To learn more about Holly go to http://www.Harmonyh.com
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Are-You-An-Absent-Dad-or-a-Perceived-Absent-Dad?&id=6300109] Are You An Absent Dad or a Perceived Absent Dad?
Friday, February 10, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Divorce to Dad, With the Loss of a Family Comes the Appreciation for What I Had
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=R._Cabral]R. Cabral
One observation I have made over the years is that when you are an extremely self-addicted person, you really never recognize the behavior while it is happening. Instead it is when you are at a place of brokenness that the clarity of who you are and how you have lived your life comes to light. That is what happened to me.
During my marriage, I was focused entirely on what was best for Rick. I wanted to look good and I wanted to feel good - not tomorrow, but today. My appetite for material possessions, wealth, and sexual satisfaction were insatiable. Those things consumed me and drove me. There was no God in my life. No, I put myself up on a pedestal and worshiped me. I made me god.
Brokenness comes along when you least expect it. For me, I thought I had it all, more money than I knew what to do with, a wife, 2-year-old daughter, and a son on the way, yet through the broken road of divorce, I discovered what being a dad really means. January 17, 2001, is a date I will always remember. That was the day my wife filed for divorce. But, more importantly, that day marked an event that radically shaped the man I would become and the dad I hoped to be.
Within a day of being served divorce papers, I found myself in a very modest apartment sparsely filled with rental furniture. It was a far cry from the new home I spent more than a year designing and building. However, what cut me deeper than any loss of material comfort was the pain I experienced from not seeing my daughter every day. Admittedly, I was not the most attentive dad up to that point, but not knowing what my daughter was feeling or what she was doing was excruciating. I would no longer be able to give her a bath, put on her jammies, or tuck her in at night. I would not see her first thing in the morning or get a kiss goodbye as I left for work. Regardless of how disengaged I was as a dad, I still loved my daughter and I missed her. I wondered if she missed me too.
During the next few months, the divorce proceedings were taking a toll on me emotionally. I wanted to quickly settle the financial aspects of the divorce and increase access time with my children, but the process did not work that way. Our divorce became heated. Couples often say they will deal with the divorce amicably, but rarely do I see them follow through with that concept. I remember my father telling me early on that I needed to be prepared, because when a couple gets a divorce, they simply are not on the same team anymore. It's not unlike a professional athlete who is traded. Once that player has a different uniform on, he is no longer part of the original team. The city that loved him now considers him the enemy. I learned that lesson the hard way. I trusted we could work together toward a resolution. Unfortunately, as it turned out, my father's assessment was accurate.
Although we were going through a very difficult divorce, we both tried to do what we thought was best for the children. Initially, I was only allowed access to my daughter two times a week for two hours each visit. This lasted about six weeks. It was during these visits that I realized how much I loved my little girl and wanted to be in her life.
There is one visit with my daughter in particular that will probably be etched in my mind forever. After a trip to the park to play on the swings, it was time to take my daughter back home. A song came on the radio that went straight to my heart. I can't remember the song, but as it played, tears began to stream down my face. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw my precious and innocent daughter sitting in her car seat just staring out the window. I remember thinking that I didn't want to drop her off. I wanted the day to keep on going. I wanted a do-over, a mulligan, as her dad.
I wiped the tears with my sleeve, parked the car, and got her out of her car seat. As I carried her to the front door, my daughter said, "Daddy, why don't you live with me and mommy anymore?" I kept my composure and told her that I loved her more than anything. I hugged her tightly and did everything I could to hold back the emotion. I barely opened the car door before I broke into tears. It was one of those deep cries that come from your soul; the kind that has you gasping for air; the kind that you never forget.
I became very focused after that visit with my daughter. I knew I wanted to be a fully involved and equal-access parent. Not just the Disneyland dad, but one who would get the children dressed, make them breakfast, help with homework, read bedtime stories, and show them that it is acceptable to feel and express their feelings.
Underneath my drive to be in their lives, I questioned whether I had the tools to be a great dad. Was love enough? Voices of doubt filled my head, reminding me that I had no experience and that my children's mom probably could raise them better than I could. I chose not to listen to those lies.
I was not going to let culture dictate what my role was going to be in my children's lives. Our culture would have a man believe he isn't capable of raising children, that a woman is better suited to play the role of caregiver. However, I made a conscious choice to avoid that line of thinking and discovered a book written by renowned child psychologist Richard Warshak entitled The Custody Revolution. In the book, the author talks about the false perception or "motherhood mystique" that a mother is more important than a father as it relates to custody decisions. In the past, courts tended to side with women in custody battles. Warshak explained that his 30 years of experience told a different story, one that reveals that fathers are equally as vital to a child's development as are mothers. The book was very inspirational and helped me feel more confident about my pursuit of equal access.
A NEW LIFE
November 27, 2001. That was the day my divorce was finally settled. I was 20 pounds lighter (not by choice) and thoroughly exhausted - both mentally and physically. There was no more wondering what news my lawyer had for me or when I needed to produce another set of documents for review. No, it was as if a mountain was lifted off my shoulders and I could actually breathe again. More importantly, I gained a substantial increase in access to both of my children and the understanding that I would have equal access to them over the next few years. I was ecstatic.
Through my divorce, I learned a lot about who I was as a man. I learned that I loved my children and that I was willing to put others before myself for the first time in my life. I realized that my desire to be with my children stemmed from the pain I endured when my parents got divorced and my mom decided to "walk away" and not play a primary role in our lives. Consequently, I grew up confused and had many unanswered questions, and all of my relationships were affected moving forward. I struggled with trust issues and felt like there had to be something wrong with me for my mom to choose her life over mine. The pain I carried gave me the strength to never want my children to grow up and one day say, "Dad, why didn't you want us?" Those wounds were still deep, yet in retrospect they were a blessing. They enabled a very selfish and self-centered man to choose his children over himself. I may never agree with my mom's decision, yet I forgive her.
These last nine years have been incredibly rewarding, as well as challenging. Early on, I went through a trial-and-error period. I remember when I had my daughter and son over together for the first night (he was only around 1 year old); I felt an enormous sense of responsibility and wondered if I was up to the task. Up until that point, only my daughter had slept over, but now I had a 1- and a 3-year-old. I don't think I slept very well that night. But everything worked out, and over time, I grew into the role.
I was remarried in 2003 and my wife has taught me invaluable lessons about parenting. The greatest lesson she taught me was one of tough love. While we were dating in 2002, my old tendencies came back and I tried to get her to take over the role with the children. I remember her sitting me down and saying that my children need their dad and I needed to step up and be there for them. It was not that she didn't want to help, on the contrary, she is an amazing mother, but she instinctively knew that I needed to be fully present with my two young children. She was right. I'm grateful to this day for the lesson she taught me.
It has been 10 years since my life took the dramatic twist that enabled me to become a dad in the fullest sense of the word. I have been blessed beyond belief. And although I certainly can still be selfish at times, I sit here today a very humbled man. I recognize that everything I have is a gift. Did I earn it? Absolutely not. Am I grateful? Not as much as I should be. The truth is, until I was able to see clearly who I was and how I fell short, I was unable to look past myself.
Inevitably, we will all hit the wall someday - whether it is the death of a loved one, a divorce, a loss of career, or a loss of the fa�ade that we present to the world. Where do we go when we brake...? Is there really any other way? I am not God.
Rebel Magazine is on a mission to help men and become a catalyst for cultural change. To find more content from Rick Cabral and Rebel Magazine, please visit [http://www.rebelmagazine.com/]http://www.rebelmagazine.com/.
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Divorce-to-Dad,-With-the-Loss-of-a-Family-Comes-the-Appreciation-for-What-I-Had&id=6303304] Divorce to Dad, With the Loss of a Family Comes the Appreciation for What I Had
One observation I have made over the years is that when you are an extremely self-addicted person, you really never recognize the behavior while it is happening. Instead it is when you are at a place of brokenness that the clarity of who you are and how you have lived your life comes to light. That is what happened to me.
During my marriage, I was focused entirely on what was best for Rick. I wanted to look good and I wanted to feel good - not tomorrow, but today. My appetite for material possessions, wealth, and sexual satisfaction were insatiable. Those things consumed me and drove me. There was no God in my life. No, I put myself up on a pedestal and worshiped me. I made me god.
Brokenness comes along when you least expect it. For me, I thought I had it all, more money than I knew what to do with, a wife, 2-year-old daughter, and a son on the way, yet through the broken road of divorce, I discovered what being a dad really means. January 17, 2001, is a date I will always remember. That was the day my wife filed for divorce. But, more importantly, that day marked an event that radically shaped the man I would become and the dad I hoped to be.
Within a day of being served divorce papers, I found myself in a very modest apartment sparsely filled with rental furniture. It was a far cry from the new home I spent more than a year designing and building. However, what cut me deeper than any loss of material comfort was the pain I experienced from not seeing my daughter every day. Admittedly, I was not the most attentive dad up to that point, but not knowing what my daughter was feeling or what she was doing was excruciating. I would no longer be able to give her a bath, put on her jammies, or tuck her in at night. I would not see her first thing in the morning or get a kiss goodbye as I left for work. Regardless of how disengaged I was as a dad, I still loved my daughter and I missed her. I wondered if she missed me too.
During the next few months, the divorce proceedings were taking a toll on me emotionally. I wanted to quickly settle the financial aspects of the divorce and increase access time with my children, but the process did not work that way. Our divorce became heated. Couples often say they will deal with the divorce amicably, but rarely do I see them follow through with that concept. I remember my father telling me early on that I needed to be prepared, because when a couple gets a divorce, they simply are not on the same team anymore. It's not unlike a professional athlete who is traded. Once that player has a different uniform on, he is no longer part of the original team. The city that loved him now considers him the enemy. I learned that lesson the hard way. I trusted we could work together toward a resolution. Unfortunately, as it turned out, my father's assessment was accurate.
Although we were going through a very difficult divorce, we both tried to do what we thought was best for the children. Initially, I was only allowed access to my daughter two times a week for two hours each visit. This lasted about six weeks. It was during these visits that I realized how much I loved my little girl and wanted to be in her life.
There is one visit with my daughter in particular that will probably be etched in my mind forever. After a trip to the park to play on the swings, it was time to take my daughter back home. A song came on the radio that went straight to my heart. I can't remember the song, but as it played, tears began to stream down my face. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw my precious and innocent daughter sitting in her car seat just staring out the window. I remember thinking that I didn't want to drop her off. I wanted the day to keep on going. I wanted a do-over, a mulligan, as her dad.
I wiped the tears with my sleeve, parked the car, and got her out of her car seat. As I carried her to the front door, my daughter said, "Daddy, why don't you live with me and mommy anymore?" I kept my composure and told her that I loved her more than anything. I hugged her tightly and did everything I could to hold back the emotion. I barely opened the car door before I broke into tears. It was one of those deep cries that come from your soul; the kind that has you gasping for air; the kind that you never forget.
I became very focused after that visit with my daughter. I knew I wanted to be a fully involved and equal-access parent. Not just the Disneyland dad, but one who would get the children dressed, make them breakfast, help with homework, read bedtime stories, and show them that it is acceptable to feel and express their feelings.
Underneath my drive to be in their lives, I questioned whether I had the tools to be a great dad. Was love enough? Voices of doubt filled my head, reminding me that I had no experience and that my children's mom probably could raise them better than I could. I chose not to listen to those lies.
I was not going to let culture dictate what my role was going to be in my children's lives. Our culture would have a man believe he isn't capable of raising children, that a woman is better suited to play the role of caregiver. However, I made a conscious choice to avoid that line of thinking and discovered a book written by renowned child psychologist Richard Warshak entitled The Custody Revolution. In the book, the author talks about the false perception or "motherhood mystique" that a mother is more important than a father as it relates to custody decisions. In the past, courts tended to side with women in custody battles. Warshak explained that his 30 years of experience told a different story, one that reveals that fathers are equally as vital to a child's development as are mothers. The book was very inspirational and helped me feel more confident about my pursuit of equal access.
A NEW LIFE
November 27, 2001. That was the day my divorce was finally settled. I was 20 pounds lighter (not by choice) and thoroughly exhausted - both mentally and physically. There was no more wondering what news my lawyer had for me or when I needed to produce another set of documents for review. No, it was as if a mountain was lifted off my shoulders and I could actually breathe again. More importantly, I gained a substantial increase in access to both of my children and the understanding that I would have equal access to them over the next few years. I was ecstatic.
Through my divorce, I learned a lot about who I was as a man. I learned that I loved my children and that I was willing to put others before myself for the first time in my life. I realized that my desire to be with my children stemmed from the pain I endured when my parents got divorced and my mom decided to "walk away" and not play a primary role in our lives. Consequently, I grew up confused and had many unanswered questions, and all of my relationships were affected moving forward. I struggled with trust issues and felt like there had to be something wrong with me for my mom to choose her life over mine. The pain I carried gave me the strength to never want my children to grow up and one day say, "Dad, why didn't you want us?" Those wounds were still deep, yet in retrospect they were a blessing. They enabled a very selfish and self-centered man to choose his children over himself. I may never agree with my mom's decision, yet I forgive her.
These last nine years have been incredibly rewarding, as well as challenging. Early on, I went through a trial-and-error period. I remember when I had my daughter and son over together for the first night (he was only around 1 year old); I felt an enormous sense of responsibility and wondered if I was up to the task. Up until that point, only my daughter had slept over, but now I had a 1- and a 3-year-old. I don't think I slept very well that night. But everything worked out, and over time, I grew into the role.
I was remarried in 2003 and my wife has taught me invaluable lessons about parenting. The greatest lesson she taught me was one of tough love. While we were dating in 2002, my old tendencies came back and I tried to get her to take over the role with the children. I remember her sitting me down and saying that my children need their dad and I needed to step up and be there for them. It was not that she didn't want to help, on the contrary, she is an amazing mother, but she instinctively knew that I needed to be fully present with my two young children. She was right. I'm grateful to this day for the lesson she taught me.
It has been 10 years since my life took the dramatic twist that enabled me to become a dad in the fullest sense of the word. I have been blessed beyond belief. And although I certainly can still be selfish at times, I sit here today a very humbled man. I recognize that everything I have is a gift. Did I earn it? Absolutely not. Am I grateful? Not as much as I should be. The truth is, until I was able to see clearly who I was and how I fell short, I was unable to look past myself.
Inevitably, we will all hit the wall someday - whether it is the death of a loved one, a divorce, a loss of career, or a loss of the fa�ade that we present to the world. Where do we go when we brake...? Is there really any other way? I am not God.
Rebel Magazine is on a mission to help men and become a catalyst for cultural change. To find more content from Rick Cabral and Rebel Magazine, please visit [http://www.rebelmagazine.com/]http://www.rebelmagazine.com/.
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Divorce-to-Dad,-With-the-Loss-of-a-Family-Comes-the-Appreciation-for-What-I-Had&id=6303304] Divorce to Dad, With the Loss of a Family Comes the Appreciation for What I Had
Monday, February 6, 2012
Daddies, Are You Up to the Parenting Task?
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Likha_Phil]Likha Phil
Daddies approach the parenting task differently from the moms. In some cases, they don't approach it at all.
I learn a lot about daddies as a teacher of young children. Teaching gives me the privilege to know different types of dads. There are cool dads, know-it-all dads, indulgent dads, single dads, absentee dads, gay dads. They come in all types. Some are so adorable while a few simply get into many teachers' nerves!
Once, during a family day in school, a daddy was struggling to pacify his toddler son who was throwing tantrums in the middle of the games. He grabbed the boy by the arm, spanked him and pulled him towards the mother yelling, "Tell your son to shut up!" I thought to myself, isn't the little boy his son as much his wife's? It will be a relief for his wife and a blessing to his family if he could help in the training of his own son and share in the burdens as well as the joys of parenting.
Just how much influence do daddies exert on the lives of their own children? As there are great daddies, there are daddies who miss the point of fatherhood. There are those who spend more time training their pet dogs than their children. There are those who spend more on car maintenance than on child maintenance. There are those who find more pleasure in hanging out with the boys than in personal bonding with their own children. I feel sorry for these daddies who have tame and well-behaved dogs but wild and confused children! They have cars with top-quality engines but children with worn-out shoes! They have great rapport with friends but a great wall of reserve between him and his children!
I have also met daddies who need lessons on kindly manners towards their wives and children. These helpless family members suffer more than they can know with their temper outbursts and boorish mentalities. Wives and children in any home have the right to courteous and fair treatment despite their wrongdoings. This is so sad. I know these dads love their wives and children, yet they continue to howl at them. The longer they learn to control their irritation and anger, the more they suffer great loss!
While I deal with young children, I know these little tots will not always remain young. Until they reach their early teens, they may still be more under the influence of their mothers. But soon, the companionship and influence of their daddies will prove to be a great power in their lives. Will their daddies be remembered more than just the men who paid the bills?
Daddies, remember that soon, your little boy or girl will date, leave home for college, find a job and marry. How do you think will your child feel when he introduces you to his date, his teachers, his bosses and his future spouse? Will he dread the day or will there be pride and pleasure in having a great dad to introduce to his social circle? Happy is the man whose children have no cause to be ashamed of him!
Perhaps, it is not yet time to look that far ahead but you may look to the chance that is before you now. Have you changed your baby's diapers, fed him, rocked him to sleep and read to him a bedtime story? Have you engaged him in horseplay or carried him on your shoulders so he can see a wider view of the world around him and experience it from the same perspective as yours? Children who experienced all these with their fathers have a greater reservoir of emotional strength in dealing with stress and frustrations in later life.
A dad may be his children's best friend or worst enemy. Many years from now, he will be proven a worthy or an unworthy father by a measure of his love, hard work and unselfishness. He will be attested as a man of fine character or the reverse. He will be praised or condemned for the brand of parenting he has shown. When the time is ripe, only his children can do these in all honesty.
So, daddies, are you up to the parenting task?
Read more on Likha Phil's parenting advice in [http://socyberty.com/advice/when-children-ask-about-sex/]When Children Ask About Sex and [http://socyberty.com/gay-lesbians/when-a-child-is-gay/]When A Child Is Gay.
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Daddies,-Are-You-Up-to-the-Parenting-Task?&id=6308026] Daddies, Are You Up to the Parenting Task?
Daddies approach the parenting task differently from the moms. In some cases, they don't approach it at all.
I learn a lot about daddies as a teacher of young children. Teaching gives me the privilege to know different types of dads. There are cool dads, know-it-all dads, indulgent dads, single dads, absentee dads, gay dads. They come in all types. Some are so adorable while a few simply get into many teachers' nerves!
Once, during a family day in school, a daddy was struggling to pacify his toddler son who was throwing tantrums in the middle of the games. He grabbed the boy by the arm, spanked him and pulled him towards the mother yelling, "Tell your son to shut up!" I thought to myself, isn't the little boy his son as much his wife's? It will be a relief for his wife and a blessing to his family if he could help in the training of his own son and share in the burdens as well as the joys of parenting.
Just how much influence do daddies exert on the lives of their own children? As there are great daddies, there are daddies who miss the point of fatherhood. There are those who spend more time training their pet dogs than their children. There are those who spend more on car maintenance than on child maintenance. There are those who find more pleasure in hanging out with the boys than in personal bonding with their own children. I feel sorry for these daddies who have tame and well-behaved dogs but wild and confused children! They have cars with top-quality engines but children with worn-out shoes! They have great rapport with friends but a great wall of reserve between him and his children!
I have also met daddies who need lessons on kindly manners towards their wives and children. These helpless family members suffer more than they can know with their temper outbursts and boorish mentalities. Wives and children in any home have the right to courteous and fair treatment despite their wrongdoings. This is so sad. I know these dads love their wives and children, yet they continue to howl at them. The longer they learn to control their irritation and anger, the more they suffer great loss!
While I deal with young children, I know these little tots will not always remain young. Until they reach their early teens, they may still be more under the influence of their mothers. But soon, the companionship and influence of their daddies will prove to be a great power in their lives. Will their daddies be remembered more than just the men who paid the bills?
Daddies, remember that soon, your little boy or girl will date, leave home for college, find a job and marry. How do you think will your child feel when he introduces you to his date, his teachers, his bosses and his future spouse? Will he dread the day or will there be pride and pleasure in having a great dad to introduce to his social circle? Happy is the man whose children have no cause to be ashamed of him!
Perhaps, it is not yet time to look that far ahead but you may look to the chance that is before you now. Have you changed your baby's diapers, fed him, rocked him to sleep and read to him a bedtime story? Have you engaged him in horseplay or carried him on your shoulders so he can see a wider view of the world around him and experience it from the same perspective as yours? Children who experienced all these with their fathers have a greater reservoir of emotional strength in dealing with stress and frustrations in later life.
A dad may be his children's best friend or worst enemy. Many years from now, he will be proven a worthy or an unworthy father by a measure of his love, hard work and unselfishness. He will be attested as a man of fine character or the reverse. He will be praised or condemned for the brand of parenting he has shown. When the time is ripe, only his children can do these in all honesty.
So, daddies, are you up to the parenting task?
Read more on Likha Phil's parenting advice in [http://socyberty.com/advice/when-children-ask-about-sex/]When Children Ask About Sex and [http://socyberty.com/gay-lesbians/when-a-child-is-gay/]When A Child Is Gay.
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Daddies,-Are-You-Up-to-the-Parenting-Task?&id=6308026] Daddies, Are You Up to the Parenting Task?
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Should You Give Flowers to Your Father on Father's Day?
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=PG_Laurent]PG Laurent
The answer is: it depends, first on the desires of your heart and second on the level of your emotional intelligence.
This year, people will celebrate Father's Day on June 19, 2011. What does this day represent? It symbolizes the contribution that fathers make to the lives of their children and families. Father's Day does not receive the same emotional attention as do Mother's Day, because it considered a macho thing. Sometimes, it feels like as if this day passes unnoticed with a celebration just in words only.
Who is a father?
He can be your real father, grand father, great-grand-father, uncle, stepfather, father figure and some more. Fathers are people with a lot of love and sensitivity who deserve the same worldwide attention.
What roles do fathers play?
Fathers usually have a larger set of responsibility. For their children and families, some fathers may carry different other set of hats to maintain their household. For instance, they may perform many job functions that are not their vocation: such as hairdressing, plumbing, bike repairing or general repairing, teaching, cooking, gardening, driving, little league coaching, and many more. In general, they are usually heads of household, bread winners and providers. Finally, they are sometimes the ones who keep law and order in their household and are therefore the disciplinarian.
What should you give to your father on Father's Day?
In most culture, on Father's Day, most fathers would receive the usual ties, necktie, shirt, t-shirts, sweaters, jackets, handkerchief, pair of socks, pair of shoes, leather belts, sunglasses, work gloves, tools or tool boxes, cologne, electric shavers, books, e-books, Amazon Kindle 3G, iPhone, iPod, blackberry, exercise equipments, gym or country club membership, gift baskets, gift certificates and a number of similar items fit for a gentleman. Everything may be included with the exception of flowers.
Why are flowers not included as well?
Because most people do not look at the emotional side of Father's Day, they look more at the macho or masculine side of the fathers on that day.
As we already know that flowers are for all occasions. Flowers do bring beauty, joy, happiness to everyone and they can do the same for all celebrating fathers. What one cannot say in words, one may say them with flowers. In a resounding "Yes", fathers do deserve flowers on Father's Day to show love and appreciation for all they have done for their children and families.
PG Laurent is an avid international soccer fan. He writes about e-commerce, business, sport, health and wellness. His website is http://www.flowersforalloccasion.com
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Should-You-Give-Flowers-to-Your-Father-on-Fathers-Day?&id=6314305] Should You Give Flowers to Your Father on Father's Day?
The answer is: it depends, first on the desires of your heart and second on the level of your emotional intelligence.
This year, people will celebrate Father's Day on June 19, 2011. What does this day represent? It symbolizes the contribution that fathers make to the lives of their children and families. Father's Day does not receive the same emotional attention as do Mother's Day, because it considered a macho thing. Sometimes, it feels like as if this day passes unnoticed with a celebration just in words only.
Who is a father?
He can be your real father, grand father, great-grand-father, uncle, stepfather, father figure and some more. Fathers are people with a lot of love and sensitivity who deserve the same worldwide attention.
What roles do fathers play?
Fathers usually have a larger set of responsibility. For their children and families, some fathers may carry different other set of hats to maintain their household. For instance, they may perform many job functions that are not their vocation: such as hairdressing, plumbing, bike repairing or general repairing, teaching, cooking, gardening, driving, little league coaching, and many more. In general, they are usually heads of household, bread winners and providers. Finally, they are sometimes the ones who keep law and order in their household and are therefore the disciplinarian.
What should you give to your father on Father's Day?
In most culture, on Father's Day, most fathers would receive the usual ties, necktie, shirt, t-shirts, sweaters, jackets, handkerchief, pair of socks, pair of shoes, leather belts, sunglasses, work gloves, tools or tool boxes, cologne, electric shavers, books, e-books, Amazon Kindle 3G, iPhone, iPod, blackberry, exercise equipments, gym or country club membership, gift baskets, gift certificates and a number of similar items fit for a gentleman. Everything may be included with the exception of flowers.
Why are flowers not included as well?
Because most people do not look at the emotional side of Father's Day, they look more at the macho or masculine side of the fathers on that day.
As we already know that flowers are for all occasions. Flowers do bring beauty, joy, happiness to everyone and they can do the same for all celebrating fathers. What one cannot say in words, one may say them with flowers. In a resounding "Yes", fathers do deserve flowers on Father's Day to show love and appreciation for all they have done for their children and families.
PG Laurent is an avid international soccer fan. He writes about e-commerce, business, sport, health and wellness. His website is http://www.flowersforalloccasion.com
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Should-You-Give-Flowers-to-Your-Father-on-Fathers-Day?&id=6314305] Should You Give Flowers to Your Father on Father's Day?
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Guilt and the Divorced Father
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Susan_Leigh]Susan Leigh
Many men feel extremely guilty after their divorce. There is often guilt at the upheaval caused to the family, the home, the children and the finances. Men usually take their responsibility as provider and protector of the family seriously. They appreciate that the trauma of a divorce is distressing and disruptive to everyone involved.
Building a new relationship with the children can be difficult at first. Some fathers find themselves cast in the role of bad guy as they are often the ones to leave the family home, leaving the children with their mother. Children may feel bitter, hurt and confused at what they see as being abandoned by their father. Many men don't want to turn their children against their mother, but it can be very hurtful at first as children often see things in a black or white way and only appreciate the subtleties of the bigger picture as they get older.
The financial implications of a divorce are often the biggest practical concern. Trying to fund two household where before there was only one is a major financial burden to shoulder. Many men struggle to set up a new home for themselves, sometimes choosing to live with family or friends for a time until they find their feet.
Father paying the household bills often goes unseen by the children. Many men feel unappreciated at the largely unnoticed effort they make in trying to keep their children's lives as normal as possible. They often feel that the mother has the benefit of seeing the children regularly with her normal life resumed often quite quickly.
The desire to maintain a presence in their children's lives in often a driving force to many men. They want to see their children but have to earn money, maybe work longer hours, set up a new home perhaps some distance away, plus juggle with pre-arranged access visits in order to see their children.
Time can become a difficult issue. Within the family a busy father can be a more fluid presence in his children's lives. He can drift in an out as his business hours allow, perhaps seeing them briefly in the mornings or for a few minutes before they go to bed. After a divorce, when specific access times have been agreed, seeing the children becomes a more contrived and formal arrangement. It often feels unnatural.
Entertaining children can be a dilemma. Many men want the time spent with their children to be special, but struggle as to what to do with them as the weeks pass by. There is often the desire that their time with the children should be memorable but many children are happier just spending time with Dad, kicking a football, talking, doing things together. Sometimes having a joint project can be a good idea. Maybe starting a gardening project or building something together can enable the children to feel an integral part of his life. An ongoing project establishes continuity.
If their father starts to build a new life with someone else the additional pressure can be difficult to manage. His own children may feel jealous, aggrieved and hostile towards his new partner, especially if she brings her children into the home. Setting aside time for his own children to feel loved, reassured and important can make a difference but patience and perseverance until the new dynamic is established can take time.
Patience is the most important part of a father maintaining a relationship with his children after a divorce. Children need to understand that they were in no way responsible for the breakdown of the relationship, that they are loved by both parents and that their father wants to continue being an important part of their lives. Ideally both parents present a united front to the children at this conversation, but if that cannot happen the divorced father needs to persevere and trust that their relationship will win through eventually.
Many men struggle to come to terms with the situation after their divorce. Often all that they value has been completely torn apart. Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with divorced and divorcing men as well as within families to improve their communications and heal confidence and self-esteem. She helps with moving forward as positively as possible.
Further help, advice and articles are available.
For more information see http://www.lifestyletherapy.net
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Guilt-and-the-Divorced-Father&id=6228706] Guilt and the Divorced Father
Many men feel extremely guilty after their divorce. There is often guilt at the upheaval caused to the family, the home, the children and the finances. Men usually take their responsibility as provider and protector of the family seriously. They appreciate that the trauma of a divorce is distressing and disruptive to everyone involved.
Building a new relationship with the children can be difficult at first. Some fathers find themselves cast in the role of bad guy as they are often the ones to leave the family home, leaving the children with their mother. Children may feel bitter, hurt and confused at what they see as being abandoned by their father. Many men don't want to turn their children against their mother, but it can be very hurtful at first as children often see things in a black or white way and only appreciate the subtleties of the bigger picture as they get older.
The financial implications of a divorce are often the biggest practical concern. Trying to fund two household where before there was only one is a major financial burden to shoulder. Many men struggle to set up a new home for themselves, sometimes choosing to live with family or friends for a time until they find their feet.
Father paying the household bills often goes unseen by the children. Many men feel unappreciated at the largely unnoticed effort they make in trying to keep their children's lives as normal as possible. They often feel that the mother has the benefit of seeing the children regularly with her normal life resumed often quite quickly.
The desire to maintain a presence in their children's lives in often a driving force to many men. They want to see their children but have to earn money, maybe work longer hours, set up a new home perhaps some distance away, plus juggle with pre-arranged access visits in order to see their children.
Time can become a difficult issue. Within the family a busy father can be a more fluid presence in his children's lives. He can drift in an out as his business hours allow, perhaps seeing them briefly in the mornings or for a few minutes before they go to bed. After a divorce, when specific access times have been agreed, seeing the children becomes a more contrived and formal arrangement. It often feels unnatural.
Entertaining children can be a dilemma. Many men want the time spent with their children to be special, but struggle as to what to do with them as the weeks pass by. There is often the desire that their time with the children should be memorable but many children are happier just spending time with Dad, kicking a football, talking, doing things together. Sometimes having a joint project can be a good idea. Maybe starting a gardening project or building something together can enable the children to feel an integral part of his life. An ongoing project establishes continuity.
If their father starts to build a new life with someone else the additional pressure can be difficult to manage. His own children may feel jealous, aggrieved and hostile towards his new partner, especially if she brings her children into the home. Setting aside time for his own children to feel loved, reassured and important can make a difference but patience and perseverance until the new dynamic is established can take time.
Patience is the most important part of a father maintaining a relationship with his children after a divorce. Children need to understand that they were in no way responsible for the breakdown of the relationship, that they are loved by both parents and that their father wants to continue being an important part of their lives. Ideally both parents present a united front to the children at this conversation, but if that cannot happen the divorced father needs to persevere and trust that their relationship will win through eventually.
Many men struggle to come to terms with the situation after their divorce. Often all that they value has been completely torn apart. Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with divorced and divorcing men as well as within families to improve their communications and heal confidence and self-esteem. She helps with moving forward as positively as possible.
Further help, advice and articles are available.
For more information see http://www.lifestyletherapy.net
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Guilt-and-the-Divorced-Father&id=6228706] Guilt and the Divorced Father
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Father's Day After Loss
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Lyndsay_Katauskas]Lyndsay Katauskas
How are you going to get through your first, or yet another Father's Day without feeling raw, abandoned, or left behind? After my father died while I was a child, it took years before I could pass through a Father's Day and not feel sad and confused as I was left with all of the questions I never had a chance to ask as I grew up. As we grieve the loss of a father, sometimes it is easier to go through the process if we know what to expect as our heart heals. Understanding the grief process helps us to feel in control over something we have very little control over.
When we first lose our father, we often find ourselves making decisions and choices that sound reasonable but are quite counterproductive to our overall healing. Even though it may temporarily give us relief, in the long run it does not nurture us or complete our healing. For some people after their father dies they thrive again by themselves, but most of us are not that lucky or successful at dealing with the loss of love from a father. Sometimes we spiral down to the depths of despair (which is somewhere we all go to some extent or another), but then have trouble climbing back out. And to various degrees, you may re-experience the loss over and over again or continue to suffer your loss until you learn new ways to cope.
Some people who appear to have let go of their loss really haven't, because what they've done is closed the door to their hearts. To avoid feeling any more pain they move on too quickly, and in doing so they've numbed their ability to fully feel. Without realizing they are doing this they carry on in their lives unable to feel the love in their hearts, and consequently their ability to grow in love and happiness is stunted.
The good news is that building resiliency is an on-going process. How long it takes to move through your father's loss depends wholly upon you. While we'll talk about the three stages of grief here, the length of time it takes for you to go through each of the stages depends on you and your resiliency or ability to bounce back. I like explaining the grief process using Dr. John Gray's three stages found in his book, Mars and Venus Starting Over.
The first stage of healing is going to someone who can help. If family dynamics do not permit you to grieve openly or talk amongst yourselves, then you may need outside help. The advice of friends while well-intentioned may leave you feeling worse off if you're not able to complete the second stage in a way that is best for you.
The second stage of healing is grieving the loss. We do this by grieving our father's loss, and then finding forgiveness. Our survival tendency is to avoid our pain. A man can get in touch with his feeling when he is in the presence of others who are also in pain. Numbing ourselves does not heal pain. The tragedy of doing this is you close shop and decide to never love again. Whether you are a child still growing up, a young adult that has not found their significant other, or an adult in a current relationship-if you numb yourself, then you stop growing in the area of love and relationships. Human beings are not meant to live their lives alone by themselves.
The third stage of healing is becoming whole. In this stage we work on becoming whole, because this will protect us from getting hurt again. If you are in a romantic relationship while you are processing your father's death you have to be aware that you may transfer feelings to this partner, but you are really dealing with moving through your feelings you had for your father. If you find yourself doing this-this is where outside help can help you look objectively at how you are thinking, feeling, and behaving to the loved ones still in your life. By focusing on feeling the four healing emotions of:
� Anger
� Sadness
� Fear
� Sorrow
Then you will know that you really love somebody and have moved on when you do not hold them accountable or responsible for your pain anymore. A victim's belief is, "I can't feel better unless you change." If you did not have a chance to work through any issues you had with your father while he was still alive, you can still process the feelings and obtain the love you need so you can move on.
Sometimes just getting in touch with our feelings doesn't complete the healing process-so while we feel our pain, we aren't able to find relief. If this is the case, then an important part of the process may have been overlooked, and it is either limiting or blocking our natural ability to heal. A solution-focused way to work through this last stage of grief is to write Feeling Letter's each time these emotions come up. My next article will go over how to write a feeling letter to your father. And in doing so you can move yourself quickly through these feelings of loss so you become at peace with your loss and can remember your father with love.
Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd
Mars Venus Coaching
Corporate Media Relations
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Fathers-Day-After-Loss&id=6317825] Father's Day After Loss
How are you going to get through your first, or yet another Father's Day without feeling raw, abandoned, or left behind? After my father died while I was a child, it took years before I could pass through a Father's Day and not feel sad and confused as I was left with all of the questions I never had a chance to ask as I grew up. As we grieve the loss of a father, sometimes it is easier to go through the process if we know what to expect as our heart heals. Understanding the grief process helps us to feel in control over something we have very little control over.
When we first lose our father, we often find ourselves making decisions and choices that sound reasonable but are quite counterproductive to our overall healing. Even though it may temporarily give us relief, in the long run it does not nurture us or complete our healing. For some people after their father dies they thrive again by themselves, but most of us are not that lucky or successful at dealing with the loss of love from a father. Sometimes we spiral down to the depths of despair (which is somewhere we all go to some extent or another), but then have trouble climbing back out. And to various degrees, you may re-experience the loss over and over again or continue to suffer your loss until you learn new ways to cope.
Some people who appear to have let go of their loss really haven't, because what they've done is closed the door to their hearts. To avoid feeling any more pain they move on too quickly, and in doing so they've numbed their ability to fully feel. Without realizing they are doing this they carry on in their lives unable to feel the love in their hearts, and consequently their ability to grow in love and happiness is stunted.
The good news is that building resiliency is an on-going process. How long it takes to move through your father's loss depends wholly upon you. While we'll talk about the three stages of grief here, the length of time it takes for you to go through each of the stages depends on you and your resiliency or ability to bounce back. I like explaining the grief process using Dr. John Gray's three stages found in his book, Mars and Venus Starting Over.
The first stage of healing is going to someone who can help. If family dynamics do not permit you to grieve openly or talk amongst yourselves, then you may need outside help. The advice of friends while well-intentioned may leave you feeling worse off if you're not able to complete the second stage in a way that is best for you.
The second stage of healing is grieving the loss. We do this by grieving our father's loss, and then finding forgiveness. Our survival tendency is to avoid our pain. A man can get in touch with his feeling when he is in the presence of others who are also in pain. Numbing ourselves does not heal pain. The tragedy of doing this is you close shop and decide to never love again. Whether you are a child still growing up, a young adult that has not found their significant other, or an adult in a current relationship-if you numb yourself, then you stop growing in the area of love and relationships. Human beings are not meant to live their lives alone by themselves.
The third stage of healing is becoming whole. In this stage we work on becoming whole, because this will protect us from getting hurt again. If you are in a romantic relationship while you are processing your father's death you have to be aware that you may transfer feelings to this partner, but you are really dealing with moving through your feelings you had for your father. If you find yourself doing this-this is where outside help can help you look objectively at how you are thinking, feeling, and behaving to the loved ones still in your life. By focusing on feeling the four healing emotions of:
� Anger
� Sadness
� Fear
� Sorrow
Then you will know that you really love somebody and have moved on when you do not hold them accountable or responsible for your pain anymore. A victim's belief is, "I can't feel better unless you change." If you did not have a chance to work through any issues you had with your father while he was still alive, you can still process the feelings and obtain the love you need so you can move on.
Sometimes just getting in touch with our feelings doesn't complete the healing process-so while we feel our pain, we aren't able to find relief. If this is the case, then an important part of the process may have been overlooked, and it is either limiting or blocking our natural ability to heal. A solution-focused way to work through this last stage of grief is to write Feeling Letter's each time these emotions come up. My next article will go over how to write a feeling letter to your father. And in doing so you can move yourself quickly through these feelings of loss so you become at peace with your loss and can remember your father with love.
Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd
Mars Venus Coaching
Corporate Media Relations
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Fathers-Day-After-Loss&id=6317825] Father's Day After Loss
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Dad Is Gone, But I Still Have Feelings
By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Lyndsay_Katauskas]Lyndsay Katauskas
This article addresses writing a feeling letter to your father who has passed away in response to my last article about getting through Father's Day after Loss. Losing a parent whether it is due to natural or extenuating circumstances is painless, right? Wrong. When we lose a part of ourselves, we not only lose the parent who brought us into the world, we also lose history and memories that we can never get back. A huge gaping hole is more like it. And whether we had a doting father or a detached father, losing them still hurts. A loss could also mean being cut off from your father in such a way that to bring up these feelings of grief would open up wounds that won't heal. If that's the case, then you can also write a Feeling Letter. In fact, whenever you do the Feeling Letter exercise, you don't have to send it to the intended person.
Why? The Feeling Letter is an exercise intended to help you sort through your emotions so that you first identify what they are, feel the emotions (instead of repressing them), and then move on. Often we are afraid that if we allow ourselves to feel, then we might get stuck in the feelings. The Feeling Letter is a process that helps you move through the emotion and get safely ashore on the other side. Then you are able to move on and start over loving again. After you've sought outside help, allowed yourself time to grieve, the last step in the stages of grief is to become fully whole again.
To bring closure you need to gain understanding, to give yourself the love you need that you may not have received from your father in life. When you do this exercise you are flexing your emotional muscles. It may feel painful at first, but muscles have to tear a little, before they grow even bigger and stronger. This is also what we need to do to grow and mature from the relationships we lose. Our society often does not give us the time or space to process our feelings, this exercise does.
Dr. John Gray encourages people to use Feeling Letters to move through emotions for many things. He explains more about grief and finding closure in relationships in Mars and Venus Starting Over. Doing the Feeling Letter near Father's Day may also help you remember and bring peace about your father passing away instead of the raw, fresh feelings you may currently feel. Before you start this exercise make sure you are in a quiet, comfortable place where you feel safe. Give yourself at least thirty minutes to complete all three letters, and make sure there will be no distractions. You may also want to listen to relaxing music in the background, and have some tissues on hand.
The Feeling Letter
Dear (Your Dad),
I am writing you this letter to share my feelings with you.
LEVEL 1: Anger
I don't like...
I resent...
I feel frustrated...
I feel angry...
I feel furious...
LEVEL 2: Sadness
It hurts...
I feel disappointed...
I feel sad...
I feel unhappy...
I wish...
LEVEL 3: Fear
It is painful...
I feel worried...
I feel afraid...
I feel scared...
I need...
LEVEL 4: Remorse and Apologies
I feel embarrassed...
I am sorry...
I feel ashamed...
I am willing...
LEVEL 5: Love, Understanding, Gratitude and Forgiveness
I want...
I appreciate...
I forgive...
Thank you...
I would like...
I trust...
Love, (Your Name)
Part 2
The Response Letter
In part two of the letter process, you are writing a letter to yourself. Pretend that you are your dad and write the response you would want to hear. Say whatever makes you feel heard and nurtured.
Dear (Your name),
Thank you for...
I understand...
I am sorry...
You deserve...
I want...
I love...
Love, (Your Dad)
Part 3
The completion Letter
In the third part of this exercise you deal with expressing your positive feelings towards the person you have just written the feeling letter to-your dad. After writing the response that would make you feel most supported, then it is important to express and affirm your positive feelings of forgiveness, understanding, gratitude, and trust. It also helps to express how being loved like this makes you feel.
Some people find the forgiveness section of the Feeling Letter extremely difficult, because they think they don't want to forgive their dad. When you forgive your dad, it is not for him, it is for YOU. He will not even know if you have forgiven him. When you forgive someone it does NOT mean their actions are forgotten or acceptable. What it means is you are letting go so YOU can move forward, and not have this continue to affect your life. Otherwise you will continue to carry the hurt, and this does not do you any good. And, often the person involved doesn't know you're hurting. By forgiving them-they won't know that either, but you will.
Dear (Your Dad),
I forgive you for...
I forgive you for...
I forgive you for...
I forgive you for...
Thank you for...
I'm sorry that...
I love you...
Love, (Your Name)
If you find closure from this exercise, then you can also use it for any other situations that are unresolved in your life as well. If the grief is deep, then you may have to do the exercise a few times until the pain dissipates.
Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd
Mars Venus Coaching
Corporate Media Relations
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Dad-Is-Gone,-But-I-Still-Have-Feelings&id=6324203] Dad Is Gone, But I Still Have Feelings
This article addresses writing a feeling letter to your father who has passed away in response to my last article about getting through Father's Day after Loss. Losing a parent whether it is due to natural or extenuating circumstances is painless, right? Wrong. When we lose a part of ourselves, we not only lose the parent who brought us into the world, we also lose history and memories that we can never get back. A huge gaping hole is more like it. And whether we had a doting father or a detached father, losing them still hurts. A loss could also mean being cut off from your father in such a way that to bring up these feelings of grief would open up wounds that won't heal. If that's the case, then you can also write a Feeling Letter. In fact, whenever you do the Feeling Letter exercise, you don't have to send it to the intended person.
Why? The Feeling Letter is an exercise intended to help you sort through your emotions so that you first identify what they are, feel the emotions (instead of repressing them), and then move on. Often we are afraid that if we allow ourselves to feel, then we might get stuck in the feelings. The Feeling Letter is a process that helps you move through the emotion and get safely ashore on the other side. Then you are able to move on and start over loving again. After you've sought outside help, allowed yourself time to grieve, the last step in the stages of grief is to become fully whole again.
To bring closure you need to gain understanding, to give yourself the love you need that you may not have received from your father in life. When you do this exercise you are flexing your emotional muscles. It may feel painful at first, but muscles have to tear a little, before they grow even bigger and stronger. This is also what we need to do to grow and mature from the relationships we lose. Our society often does not give us the time or space to process our feelings, this exercise does.
Dr. John Gray encourages people to use Feeling Letters to move through emotions for many things. He explains more about grief and finding closure in relationships in Mars and Venus Starting Over. Doing the Feeling Letter near Father's Day may also help you remember and bring peace about your father passing away instead of the raw, fresh feelings you may currently feel. Before you start this exercise make sure you are in a quiet, comfortable place where you feel safe. Give yourself at least thirty minutes to complete all three letters, and make sure there will be no distractions. You may also want to listen to relaxing music in the background, and have some tissues on hand.
The Feeling Letter
Dear (Your Dad),
I am writing you this letter to share my feelings with you.
LEVEL 1: Anger
I don't like...
I resent...
I feel frustrated...
I feel angry...
I feel furious...
LEVEL 2: Sadness
It hurts...
I feel disappointed...
I feel sad...
I feel unhappy...
I wish...
LEVEL 3: Fear
It is painful...
I feel worried...
I feel afraid...
I feel scared...
I need...
LEVEL 4: Remorse and Apologies
I feel embarrassed...
I am sorry...
I feel ashamed...
I am willing...
LEVEL 5: Love, Understanding, Gratitude and Forgiveness
I want...
I appreciate...
I forgive...
Thank you...
I would like...
I trust...
Love, (Your Name)
Part 2
The Response Letter
In part two of the letter process, you are writing a letter to yourself. Pretend that you are your dad and write the response you would want to hear. Say whatever makes you feel heard and nurtured.
Dear (Your name),
Thank you for...
I understand...
I am sorry...
You deserve...
I want...
I love...
Love, (Your Dad)
Part 3
The completion Letter
In the third part of this exercise you deal with expressing your positive feelings towards the person you have just written the feeling letter to-your dad. After writing the response that would make you feel most supported, then it is important to express and affirm your positive feelings of forgiveness, understanding, gratitude, and trust. It also helps to express how being loved like this makes you feel.
Some people find the forgiveness section of the Feeling Letter extremely difficult, because they think they don't want to forgive their dad. When you forgive your dad, it is not for him, it is for YOU. He will not even know if you have forgiven him. When you forgive someone it does NOT mean their actions are forgotten or acceptable. What it means is you are letting go so YOU can move forward, and not have this continue to affect your life. Otherwise you will continue to carry the hurt, and this does not do you any good. And, often the person involved doesn't know you're hurting. By forgiving them-they won't know that either, but you will.
Dear (Your Dad),
I forgive you for...
I forgive you for...
I forgive you for...
I forgive you for...
Thank you for...
I'm sorry that...
I love you...
Love, (Your Name)
If you find closure from this exercise, then you can also use it for any other situations that are unresolved in your life as well. If the grief is deep, then you may have to do the exercise a few times until the pain dissipates.
Lyndsay Katauskas, MEd
Mars Venus Coaching
Corporate Media Relations
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Dad-Is-Gone,-But-I-Still-Have-Feelings&id=6324203] Dad Is Gone, But I Still Have Feelings
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