Guilt and the Divorced Father

By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Susan_Leigh]Susan Leigh
Many men feel extremely guilty after their divorce. There is often guilt at the upheaval caused to the family, the home, the children and the finances. Men usually take their responsibility as provider and protector of the family seriously. They appreciate that the trauma of a divorce is distressing and disruptive to everyone involved.
Building a new relationship with the children can be difficult at first. Some fathers find themselves cast in the role of bad guy as they are often the ones to leave the family home, leaving the children with their mother. Children may feel bitter, hurt and confused at what they see as being abandoned by their father. Many men don't want to turn their children against their mother, but it can be very hurtful at first as children often see things in a black or white way and only appreciate the subtleties of the bigger picture as they get older.
The financial implications of a divorce are often the biggest practical concern. Trying to fund two household where before there was only one is a major financial burden to shoulder. Many men struggle to set up a new home for themselves, sometimes choosing to live with family or friends for a time until they find their feet.
Father paying the household bills often goes unseen by the children. Many men feel unappreciated at the largely unnoticed effort they make in trying to keep their children's lives as normal as possible. They often feel that the mother has the benefit of seeing the children regularly with her normal life resumed often quite quickly.
The desire to maintain a presence in their children's lives in often a driving force to many men. They want to see their children but have to earn money, maybe work longer hours, set up a new home perhaps some distance away, plus juggle with pre-arranged access visits in order to see their children.

Time can become a difficult issue. Within the family a busy father can be a more fluid presence in his children's lives. He can drift in an out as his business hours allow, perhaps seeing them briefly in the mornings or for a few minutes before they go to bed. After a divorce, when specific access times have been agreed, seeing the children becomes a more contrived and formal arrangement. It often feels unnatural.
Entertaining children can be a dilemma. Many men want the time spent with their children to be special, but struggle as to what to do with them as the weeks pass by. There is often the desire that their time with the children should be memorable but many children are happier just spending time with Dad, kicking a football, talking, doing things together. Sometimes having a joint project can be a good idea. Maybe starting a gardening project or building something together can enable the children to feel an integral part of his life. An ongoing project establishes continuity.
If their father starts to build a new life with someone else the additional pressure can be difficult to manage. His own children may feel jealous, aggrieved and hostile towards his new partner, especially if she brings her children into the home. Setting aside time for his own children to feel loved, reassured and important can make a difference but patience and perseverance until the new dynamic is established can take time.
Patience is the most important part of a father maintaining a relationship with his children after a divorce. Children need to understand that they were in no way responsible for the breakdown of the relationship, that they are loved by both parents and that their father wants to continue being an important part of their lives. Ideally both parents present a united front to the children at this conversation, but if that cannot happen the divorced father needs to persevere and trust that their relationship will win through eventually.
Many men struggle to come to terms with the situation after their divorce. Often all that they value has been completely torn apart. Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with divorced and divorcing men as well as within families to improve their communications and heal confidence and self-esteem. She helps with moving forward as positively as possible.
Further help, advice and articles are available.
For more information see http://www.lifestyletherapy.net
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Guilt-and-the-Divorced-Father&id=6228706] Guilt and the Divorced Father