Divorce to Dad, With the Loss of a Family Comes the Appreciation for What I Had

By [http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=R._Cabral]R. Cabral
One observation I have made over the years is that when you are an extremely self-addicted person, you really never recognize the behavior while it is happening. Instead it is when you are at a place of brokenness that the clarity of who you are and how you have lived your life comes to light. That is what happened to me.
During my marriage, I was focused entirely on what was best for Rick. I wanted to look good and I wanted to feel good - not tomorrow, but today. My appetite for material possessions, wealth, and sexual satisfaction were insatiable. Those things consumed me and drove me. There was no God in my life. No, I put myself up on a pedestal and worshiped me. I made me god.
Brokenness comes along when you least expect it. For me, I thought I had it all, more money than I knew what to do with, a wife, 2-year-old daughter, and a son on the way, yet through the broken road of divorce, I discovered what being a dad really means. January 17, 2001, is a date I will always remember. That was the day my wife filed for divorce. But, more importantly, that day marked an event that radically shaped the man I would become and the dad I hoped to be.
Within a day of being served divorce papers, I found myself in a very modest apartment sparsely filled with rental furniture. It was a far cry from the new home I spent more than a year designing and building. However, what cut me deeper than any loss of material comfort was the pain I experienced from not seeing my daughter every day. Admittedly, I was not the most attentive dad up to that point, but not knowing what my daughter was feeling or what she was doing was excruciating. I would no longer be able to give her a bath, put on her jammies, or tuck her in at night. I would not see her first thing in the morning or get a kiss goodbye as I left for work. Regardless of how disengaged I was as a dad, I still loved my daughter and I missed her. I wondered if she missed me too.
During the next few months, the divorce proceedings were taking a toll on me emotionally. I wanted to quickly settle the financial aspects of the divorce and increase access time with my children, but the process did not work that way. Our divorce became heated. Couples often say they will deal with the divorce amicably, but rarely do I see them follow through with that concept. I remember my father telling me early on that I needed to be prepared, because when a couple gets a divorce, they simply are not on the same team anymore. It's not unlike a professional athlete who is traded. Once that player has a different uniform on, he is no longer part of the original team. The city that loved him now considers him the enemy. I learned that lesson the hard way. I trusted we could work together toward a resolution. Unfortunately, as it turned out, my father's assessment was accurate.
Although we were going through a very difficult divorce, we both tried to do what we thought was best for the children. Initially, I was only allowed access to my daughter two times a week for two hours each visit. This lasted about six weeks. It was during these visits that I realized how much I loved my little girl and wanted to be in her life.
There is one visit with my daughter in particular that will probably be etched in my mind forever. After a trip to the park to play on the swings, it was time to take my daughter back home. A song came on the radio that went straight to my heart. I can't remember the song, but as it played, tears began to stream down my face. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw my precious and innocent daughter sitting in her car seat just staring out the window. I remember thinking that I didn't want to drop her off. I wanted the day to keep on going. I wanted a do-over, a mulligan, as her dad.
I wiped the tears with my sleeve, parked the car, and got her out of her car seat. As I carried her to the front door, my daughter said, "Daddy, why don't you live with me and mommy anymore?" I kept my composure and told her that I loved her more than anything. I hugged her tightly and did everything I could to hold back the emotion. I barely opened the car door before I broke into tears. It was one of those deep cries that come from your soul; the kind that has you gasping for air; the kind that you never forget.
I became very focused after that visit with my daughter. I knew I wanted to be a fully involved and equal-access parent. Not just the Disneyland dad, but one who would get the children dressed, make them breakfast, help with homework, read bedtime stories, and show them that it is acceptable to feel and express their feelings.
Underneath my drive to be in their lives, I questioned whether I had the tools to be a great dad. Was love enough? Voices of doubt filled my head, reminding me that I had no experience and that my children's mom probably could raise them better than I could. I chose not to listen to those lies.
I was not going to let culture dictate what my role was going to be in my children's lives. Our culture would have a man believe he isn't capable of raising children, that a woman is better suited to play the role of caregiver. However, I made a conscious choice to avoid that line of thinking and discovered a book written by renowned child psychologist Richard Warshak entitled The Custody Revolution. In the book, the author talks about the false perception or "motherhood mystique" that a mother is more important than a father as it relates to custody decisions. In the past, courts tended to side with women in custody battles. Warshak explained that his 30 years of experience told a different story, one that reveals that fathers are equally as vital to a child's development as are mothers. The book was very inspirational and helped me feel more confident about my pursuit of equal access.
A NEW LIFE
November 27, 2001. That was the day my divorce was finally settled. I was 20 pounds lighter (not by choice) and thoroughly exhausted - both mentally and physically. There was no more wondering what news my lawyer had for me or when I needed to produce another set of documents for review. No, it was as if a mountain was lifted off my shoulders and I could actually breathe again. More importantly, I gained a substantial increase in access to both of my children and the understanding that I would have equal access to them over the next few years. I was ecstatic.
Through my divorce, I learned a lot about who I was as a man. I learned that I loved my children and that I was willing to put others before myself for the first time in my life. I realized that my desire to be with my children stemmed from the pain I endured when my parents got divorced and my mom decided to "walk away" and not play a primary role in our lives. Consequently, I grew up confused and had many unanswered questions, and all of my relationships were affected moving forward. I struggled with trust issues and felt like there had to be something wrong with me for my mom to choose her life over mine. The pain I carried gave me the strength to never want my children to grow up and one day say, "Dad, why didn't you want us?" Those wounds were still deep, yet in retrospect they were a blessing. They enabled a very selfish and self-centered man to choose his children over himself. I may never agree with my mom's decision, yet I forgive her.
These last nine years have been incredibly rewarding, as well as challenging. Early on, I went through a trial-and-error period. I remember when I had my daughter and son over together for the first night (he was only around 1 year old); I felt an enormous sense of responsibility and wondered if I was up to the task. Up until that point, only my daughter had slept over, but now I had a 1- and a 3-year-old. I don't think I slept very well that night. But everything worked out, and over time, I grew into the role.
I was remarried in 2003 and my wife has taught me invaluable lessons about parenting. The greatest lesson she taught me was one of tough love. While we were dating in 2002, my old tendencies came back and I tried to get her to take over the role with the children. I remember her sitting me down and saying that my children need their dad and I needed to step up and be there for them. It was not that she didn't want to help, on the contrary, she is an amazing mother, but she instinctively knew that I needed to be fully present with my two young children. She was right. I'm grateful to this day for the lesson she taught me.
It has been 10 years since my life took the dramatic twist that enabled me to become a dad in the fullest sense of the word. I have been blessed beyond belief. And although I certainly can still be selfish at times, I sit here today a very humbled man. I recognize that everything I have is a gift. Did I earn it? Absolutely not. Am I grateful? Not as much as I should be. The truth is, until I was able to see clearly who I was and how I fell short, I was unable to look past myself.
Inevitably, we will all hit the wall someday - whether it is the death of a loved one, a divorce, a loss of career, or a loss of the fa�ade that we present to the world. Where do we go when we brake...? Is there really any other way? I am not God.
Rebel Magazine is on a mission to help men and become a catalyst for cultural change. To find more content from Rick Cabral and Rebel Magazine, please visit [http://www.rebelmagazine.com/]http://www.rebelmagazine.com/.
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Divorce-to-Dad,-With-the-Loss-of-a-Family-Comes-the-Appreciation-for-What-I-Had&id=6303304] Divorce to Dad, With the Loss of a Family Comes the Appreciation for What I Had